I Believe.....But?

So many thoughts, worries, and emotions I've had over the past few months, weeks, and especially days as this baby gets closer to being born. Unplanned and unexpected, this pregnancy has thrown me for a loop in numerous ways. (as did the last one as well) Please don't misunderstand, we love our children more than anything and are extremely blessed and thankful to have been given them by God, not to mention that we've always desired a big family. But with all of my health problems I have already, adding in pregnancy is more than a little challenging. That being said, I am so grateful for how our prayers have been answered in so many ways during this one and how the Lord has brought us through the hard stuff to make it until now.

As I wrote in one of my last updates, my health issues as well as some from Blake as well we think, have always gotten passed down to our babies. And even seem to be multiplied many times over or maybe are just harder to deal with when they are so small. Whichever the reason, it unfortunately results in alot of sickness and pain for them after being born. Needless to say, it's a scary thought to bring another little one into the world having to wonder just how sick it will be when it gets here.

Ever since we found out we were expecting again (well, after the shock and numbness wore off anyway!) I've been hoping and praying that this baby would be different. But at times I have to admit that I've been almost afraid to ask for better health since we did the same thing last time only to be disappointed. It's like even though I'm wishing for a better outcome, I'm already mentally preparing myself to not get it and for things to be bad. Not exactly what I would call praying in faith! Over the past couple weeks the Lord has really been pointing this out to me and dealing with my heart about it but to be honest I'm still struggling. My fears of what might be are greatly keeping me from trusting in what He could do.

I've also realized after having some conversations with Blake over the past few days that he's pretty much in the same spot....and really hadn't even noticed it himself. After talking with him about my feelings and how not only was I discouraged thinking about it but that I'd gotten even more so hearing some of things he said as well. Pretty much like we were both expecting a negative outcome when Daxton gets here, even though we say we're praying for the opposite.
After discussing it again this morning before he left for work I was thinking about how little faith we had obviously had that God would truly answer our prayers. And although I fully understand that we sometimes get a different answer than the one we want or ask for, I still think that it's important to actually believe He can and will do whatever it is we're praying about. And then just leave the outcome up to Him.

While I was thinking about all that, the Lord brought the scripture to my mind about the father who brought his son to the disciples to be healed of an evil spirit but they were unable to. Then when Jesus came to ask what was wrong he said if thou can do any thing, have compassion and help us. (kinda sounds like he was already doubting? definitely familiar!) But Jesus told him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. Then it says that the father cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief. The man acknowledged that he believed Jesus capable of healing his son, but that there was still a smidgen of doubt and fear in his heart that he just couldn't seem to overcome without God's help. But instead of trying to hide that or pretend it wasn't there, he admitted it and asked for mercy anyway!

This is exactly where I am right now too. My heart wants so badly to believe our prayers for Daxton to be healthy, able to sleep, nurse well, etc will all be answered, but there's still a part of me that also just doesn't believe it's possible after seeing 3 other babies suffer. As the day draws close for him to be born, I don't honestly know what the outcome will be. But my heart's cry is that I truly do believe God is able to work a miracle and I need His help with my unbelief that He will. I'm praying that He uses this somehow to strengthen our faith and teach us to just trust in Him and His goodness more. No matter what. I definitely need grace in order to do that though. And I'm trying to learn to depend on Him for that as well. "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him 'ore and 'ore. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. O, for grace to trust Him more!" 

Will you please pray for our family in the coming days that we'll truly believe and just rest in His peace? 

Grace and Glory

It seems like most of my posts lately have a similar theme. Lots of allergy issues for everyone, pregnancy stuff, lack of sleep, and me being super tired from it all. But alas that is just life at the moment for us I guess. My emotions tend to be all over the place some days, but I'm trying to work on the times I feel totally overwhelmed and remind myself that it will get better and that until it does we'll make it. The only problem is that I also know it's been worse before so I tend to let fears of that sneak in and discourage me even more. Ah!

I'm also trying to remember that most importantly is me seeking the Lord for help and grace to get thru these hard times. Days that I do that are definitely much better than the ones I forget to. I've been thinking alot about those verses in 2 Corinthians that says, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Now let me just say that I have not fully arrived at the "gladly glorying in my infirmities part" most days. But I am learning more about His grace and want more than anything to lean more on His strength when I'm weak. My hearts' desire is to show my children that we can trust and praise Him during the hard times as well as good and pray that I'll let His power rest upon me so that they can see more of Him and less of me.

I hope maybe these verses might help someone else who is struggling today. Regardless of what comes our way let's just focus on His grace in our lives and choose to glory in the hard times with gladness that we can have His power on us. Now I'm off to try and do just that with the rest of my day!      

Struggling With the Hard Times {first part}

To be honest, I'm not totally sure how to start this post. I want to share some of what we've gone through these past few months with Darcey, but it's hard to know where to begin since it's also tied into things we've experienced the past several years as well.

Just for a little background let me tell some of what happened with our first baby and try to lead up til now. We were under alot of stress and my health wasn't the greatest during my first pregnancy(with Dathan). And for whatever reasons he ended up having alot of health problems when he was born, which of course only added to the stress we were already experiencing in other areas. He had severe reflux, allergies, etc and ended up back in the hospital several times after he began to also have apnea episodes when he would fall asleep. I'll never forget the feeling of walking into the bedroom to check on him and finding him already turning blue for the first time. And then having to watch him go through all the horrible tests and things they put him through at the hospitals...without ever finding out what was wrong. It was a really awful time. I can't even really describe all that we've gone through with him or how difficult it's been (and still is) to see him suffer so much and not know what to do about it.
Then we had Delancey when he was about 20 months old (surprise!) and although she didn't become as severe in some ways, she still had enough health problems of her own that it was very challenging to take care of them both....to the point that I was entirely overwhelmed most days. Which needless to say, led to my own physical and emotional health being bad as well. Fast forward a couple of years to me getting mono and it causing dysautonomia on top of everything else and I was a mess! We had always wanted at least 4 kids, but after all of this taking care of the two we had was more than we could deal with at times. Skipping ahead a couple more years and some of my health issues were a little better(like the dysautonomia somewhat), but I still struggled in most areas...not only physically but emotionally as well, which I really think can be just as bad or worse.
I had been considering checking into something more drastic (like surgery) for some severe monthly pain I was having that greatly interfered with my ablility to cope with or do just about anything for a couple of weeks at a time, but just wasn't sure if it was the best thing to do. And although we had gone most of this time since Delancey's birth without preventing more babies and I was honestly beginning to think I maybe couldn't get pregnant again, I think my heart still held on to the desire to have more kids. So we occasionally discussed possibly adopting one day and I was also telling Blake that I wanted to pray about the surgery thing and that God would show us what I needed to do for this pain and whether or not we were supposed to ever have more kids ourselves or if it was okay that I do something more permanent to keep from it. When much to my surprise I ended up realizing I was expecting again just a few weeks later! So I guess the Lord answered that prayer pretty obviously. :)

*Since this is quickly turning into a very long post, I will stop here for now and finish up with the rest of Darcey's story in another one. Stay tuned......