So many thoughts, worries, and emotions I've had over the past few months, weeks, and especially days as this baby gets closer to being born. Unplanned and unexpected, this pregnancy has thrown me for a loop in numerous ways. (as did the last one as well) Please don't misunderstand, we love our children more than anything and are extremely blessed and thankful to have been given them by God, not to mention that we've always desired a big family. But with all of my health problems I have already, adding in pregnancy is more than a little challenging. That being said, I am so grateful for how our prayers have been answered in so many ways during this one and how the Lord has brought us through the hard stuff to make it until now.
As I wrote in one of my last updates, my health issues as well as some from Blake as well we think, have always gotten passed down to our babies. And even seem to be multiplied many times over or maybe are just harder to deal with when they are so small. Whichever the reason, it unfortunately results in alot of sickness and pain for them after being born. Needless to say, it's a scary thought to bring another little one into the world having to wonder just how sick it will be when it gets here.
Ever since we found out we were expecting again (well, after the shock and numbness wore off anyway!) I've been hoping and praying that this baby would be different. But at times I have to admit that I've been almost afraid to ask for better health since we did the same thing last time only to be disappointed. It's like even though I'm wishing for a better outcome, I'm already mentally preparing myself to not get it and for things to be bad. Not exactly what I would call praying in faith! Over the past couple weeks the Lord has really been pointing this out to me and dealing with my heart about it but to be honest I'm still struggling. My fears of what might be are greatly keeping me from trusting in what He could do.
I've also realized after having some conversations with Blake over the past few days that he's pretty much in the same spot....and really hadn't even noticed it himself. After talking with him about my feelings and how not only was I discouraged thinking about it but that I'd gotten even more so hearing some of things he said as well. Pretty much like we were both expecting a negative outcome when Daxton gets here, even though we say we're praying for the opposite.
After discussing it again this morning before he left for work I was thinking about how little faith we had obviously had that God would truly answer our prayers. And although I fully understand that we sometimes get a different answer than the one we want or ask for, I still think that it's important to actually believe He can and will do whatever it is we're praying about. And then just leave the outcome up to Him.
While I was thinking about all that, the Lord brought the scripture to my mind about the father who brought his son to the disciples to be healed of an evil spirit but they were unable to. Then when Jesus came to ask what was wrong he said if thou can do any thing, have compassion and help us. (kinda sounds like he was already doubting? definitely familiar!) But Jesus told him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. Then it says that the father cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief. The man acknowledged that he believed Jesus capable of healing his son, but that there was still a smidgen of doubt and fear in his heart that he just couldn't seem to overcome without God's help. But instead of trying to hide that or pretend it wasn't there, he admitted it and asked for mercy anyway!
This is exactly where I am right now too. My heart wants so badly to believe our prayers for Daxton to be healthy, able to sleep, nurse well, etc will all be answered, but there's still a part of me that also just doesn't believe it's possible after seeing 3 other babies suffer. As the day draws close for him to be born, I don't honestly know what the outcome will be. But my heart's cry is that I truly do believe God is able to work a miracle and I need His help with my unbelief that He will. I'm praying that He uses this somehow to strengthen our faith and teach us to just trust in Him and His goodness more. No matter what. I definitely need grace in order to do that though. And I'm trying to learn to depend on Him for that as well. "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him 'ore and 'ore. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus. O, for grace to trust Him more!"
Will you please pray for our family in the coming days that we'll truly believe and just rest in His peace?