February 23, 2011

Struggling With Hard Times {second part}

*If you haven't read the first part of the story then click here. And if you already have then read on.....

As I said at the end of the other post, we really felt like God answered our prayers in giving us another baby when we were so unsure about what to do. But I also think that I started feeling like since He had allowed us to get pregnant again after all that time, then that meant everything would go easily. I soon realized that's not exactly what He had in mind though since it was the most difficult of all my pregnancies yet. I then started worrying about the health of the baby and how I would handle it if she ended up being like the first two. And although I tried to pray and trust God to take care of it, I have to admit I struggled with really believing things would be okay. Then to have Darcey be born and to start experiencing the exact same things we went through with Dathan was really, really hard to accept. I'm not gonna lie to you...my first response was not one of everything being okay. If there's an emotion to be named then I probably felt it those first few weeks. I had just so wanted more than anything for this baby to be 'normal' that dealing with the fact she wasn't was more than a little overwhelming. Fear, anger, doubt, resentment became almost constant companions....and then just overall numbness to realize it was out of my control entirely. I cried, prayed, questioned, and just about everything in between I think! There's just something about having to see your baby cry in pain for hours on end and not being able to help them that does something to your heart. It's not something that's easy to deal with every day that's for sure.
On top of that was my own physical/emotional health going downhill again as I dealt with the stress of healing from childbirth at the same time as caring for a sick baby, seeing Blake as he tried to juggle working and helping out at home too, and probably worst of all having to watch my other kids basically fend for themselves and deal with it all as their world was literally turned upset down overnight. Needless to say, I didn't always keep a good attitude. I wasn't always ready to praise God and see His goodness in spite of it all. I really, really wanted Him to just make it all go away and coming to terms with the fact that He didn't was not easy at all. I know that may sound arrogant and awful to say, but I'm trying to be honest about where we've been and how hard it was. And I wouldn't be completely honest if I didn't tell the bad along with the good. 

I have to admit there were times when I would sit and hold Darcey while she cried (while bouncing on the exercise ball of course)and just cry myself while trying to pray and feeling like it was just so hopeless. It even got to the point where I questioned what was the use in even trying to pray since it seemed like it didn't help anyway? I just couldn't understand why there should be any reason for this! Then one night while things were really bad with Darcey and I was really struggling to deal with it, the Lord brought a song to my mind that I had looked the words up to a couple of weeks earlier.(coincidence?) I just felt like I was supposed to start singing it out loud and by the time I got to the second verse I felt His presence so real there in that bedroom as I said, "Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true. By His mercy He proves, He is love." And I realized that even though I might not ever know why things were hard or even if Darcey never got any better, He's still a loving, merciful, and faithful Saviour. Any other blessings I have in my life (and there really are alot of them if stop to think about and focus on the good instead of just the bad) are just added benefits. Oh, and by the way, by the time I finished singing the rest of the song a couple times over (it was so good the first time I didn't want to stop!) Darcey had stopped crying and was sound asleep. Just cause He could, you know?!

Now I also have to admit that things weren't totally perfect after that. We're still human and it's still really hard to care for a sick baby 24/7. And even though she has gotten alot better in some ways there's still days that we struggle. (like this week when she has a really bad cold which may be turning into something far more serious and I just couldn't help but ask "For real?! weren't things already difficult enough??!!") But every now and then He comes by and reminds me of His mercies. And I remember how I need to just keep praising Him for who He is, in spite of everything else. I'm so very thankful that He's faithful and true to me, even when I'm not to Him! I'm hoping that I'll start learning more and more how to keep that in perspective during the hard times.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Looking back I really didn't go into alot of detail of Darcey's actual health problems so maybe that will be a post for another day. For now though, I hope maybe some of you can be encouraged that no matter what you may be going through, God's still good. And please keep praying for our family as we figure that out ourselves! We would also appreciate your continued prayers for Darcey that she'll be healthier soon and we'll come through all of this stronger and better than we were before. Until next time.... 

1 comment:

  1. While we don't have a baby with health issues like you, I really do understand what you are saying. We just have to keep the faith!! Praying you all recover from the nasty colds!!


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